personal diary: a good kind of messy



Now, for the most part, I think the whole “just be yourself” thing is bullshit. Not because you shouldn’t be yourself, but because - as John Green so beautifully put it -  “who’s self would I be otherwise being?”. Everything you do, every change you make within yourself, all of it is you. As an individual you grow and change, screw up and makeover your life, you’re brutally honest, or put up a mask because you’re scared. 



You’re never one way, liking one thing, doing one thing, being one thing, for the rest of your life. So don’t put too much pressure on finding who you truly are. I mean, if you feel the need to put up a front and force yourself to act a certain way, and it’s causing you pain because you don’t feel like you, then yes the whole “be yourself and don’t give a crap what other people think, because if you’re going through pain just to satisfy them, they’re totally not worth it, and you have to realize that your whole relationship (whether this is a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, or parent) will always be that way and cause you pain if you don’t just take the leap and be unapologetically you” applies to this situation.  It’s so freaking easy to look around at people on Instagram, in interviews, and around you in your everyday life, and wonder if you should be acting different. More badass like this girl, or more cute and sweet like this girl, and such and so on.

It's so easy to get caught up wondering what could make you more interesting as a person. Should you say "to hell" with your Instagram feed, and post all those nonchalant, funny cat pics, or should you keep it looking like a continuous mini art exhibit, showcasing only the best snippets of your photo album and life? Should you fill your wardrobe with leather jackets and sneakers effortlessly like Cara Delevigne, or shop for vintage floral dresses, retro fluffy coats, and heart-shaped sunglasses? You might even have to ask, "Should I dye my hear electric blue to stand out from the crowd, or keep it a neutral color so it will go with everything?"


I have so many idols and ideas that sometimes I feel like being what I am in the moment, is just not good enough.  I have to be more unique, more individual so that people can read me. Sometimes I try so hard to be individual that it gets in the way of living in the moment and doing whatever the hell I feel like right then.  I idolize the women and girls that have their “thing”. Like Cara Delevingne, Jane Birkin, Mimi from Rent, Alexa Chung, Zooey Deschanel, Willow Smith, etc. Who are so identifiable and unapologetically themselves, they have such a standout personality, style, and vibe. But the truth is, I feel different every day. Drawn to different things, discovering new passions, in different moods. Sometimes I feel like listening to Stevie Nicks and sometimes I want to jam out to Fetty Wap. Sometimes I feel nervous and shy, sometimes I feel outgoing and energetic. Sometimes I feel like not giving a shit about the ever looming dark circles under my eyes, the red spots on my cheeks, or wearing a bra. Sometimes I really want to wear blue eyeshadow and dark purple lipstick, and have fun trying something edgy.   

Truth is, maybe I’ll find “my thing” eventually, but maybe I’m just meant to be a beautiful mess of so many different things. But no matter what I’m feeling or how I’m changing, it’s all legitimate and it’s all me.


BY ANDI STAMBAUGH


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